The Yard Stick

So in order to accurately score a throne room we need to highlight exactly what makes the perfect potty.

After hours of musing and straining I have come up with what I believe to be a very complete list of the essentials of a good toilet.

Here it is:

1.       Smell/look clean

2.       Lights working

3.       Cubicle door has a working lock

4.       Hook inside cubicle for coat etc

5.       Toilet seat

6.       Toilet paper

7.       Working flush

8.       Working taps (hot and cold water)

9.       Soap

10.   Hand dryer / paper towels

On top of the above essentials list points can also be awarded for other luxury features such as (but not limited to):

11.   Piped music

12.   Ceiling to floor cubicles

13.   Tasteful décor

14.   Touchless systems (flush, taps, soap dispensers and hand dryers)

15.   Mouthwash

16.   Contact free exit (you don’t have to pull a door open with your clean hands to leave)

17.   Dyson Airblade hand dryers

18.   Toilet seal disinfectant dispensers

19.   Environmentally friendly appliances

20.   Hand cream

Contrary to popular belief, it does not add a touch of class to employ a gadgie to sit in the corner of the khazi selling his men’s fragrances at a £1 a spray and singing songs such as “No spray - no lay” and “No splash - no gash” whilst forcing you to dry your hands on a towel he is showing in your face before you’ve even got the water running . This will cost points, not gain.