The Row Barge - Guildford - June

I'm going to kick things off with The Row Barge in Guildford.
N.B. Observations correct for June 2012.

As I enter the men's toilets for the first time it seems clean and doesn't have that four day old piss smell. It looks like we're off to a good start but then my heart sinks a little - there's only 1 toilet cubicle. Whilst not always a bad thing it does lessen the chances of a good toilet in working order.

But wait! What's this?! On entering the cubicle I am pleasantly surprised to find that there's a toilet seat, bog roll and the door locks! A rare hat-trick!

They loose points for lack of hooks though. Fortunately I'm not wearing a coat and I've left my handbag at home tonight so I've got nothing to hang up.

But the next thing I find as I down trouse is that the toilet sits at a jaunty angle listing from its high point on the right hand side to a low ebb on the left - makes for an interesting shit, like downing trowel in the tower of Pisa one suspects.

So as I sit there taking it all in whilst symoltaneously trying to get it all out I notice something odd about the bogroll dispenser. A quick glance over my shoulder at the top of the toilet cistern confirms my suspicions. The owners have taken the necessary precaution of applying some rough plaster type substance on all smooth surfaces to prevent snorting coke off them.

As a little side note, I've never been a fan of snorting coke off toilets. Just something about the germs you'd pick up that puts me off. Dirty!

But I digress...the fact that an establishment has to do this to stop their patrons doing drugs in the toilets says a lot about the clientele and suddenly I'm not only nervous about singing, but worried about not going down well. I'm also now wierdly worried about catching super aids from the toilet (and yes, I know this makes no sense).

At any rate that speeds up the process and I'm out washing my hands before I know it. And wouldn't you know it there's hot water! Ooh and soap in the dispenser!

I cautiously approach the hand dryer, a white box that looks like it was made in 1964 out of white cardboard, sticky back plastic and paper clips (complete with plaster roughened surface too) but what do you know, the bugger still works!

Ultimately I think as far as pre-shows go I'm going to give the Row Barge in Guildford a well deserved 6 out of 10.