The Ham & Blackbird - Farnborough - June

Observations correct at June 2012.

So after explaining to another band member exactly why there was plaster all over the smooth surfaces of the crappers in The Row Barge in Guildford (see previous post) and using it as an example of poor clientele and furthermore how the customers here in Farnborough were less likely to be drug users I was almost immediately surprised to find that sand paper has been stuck to the cisterns of the toilets in the Ham & Blackbird. Boy was my face red! Fortunately I was in trap 2 at that point so no one saw.

Also the sandpaper has been quite successfully peeled off in places by people just desperate to mix their china white with a bit of human faeces. You guys are living the dream by the way!

Anyway, let's take things back to the start.

On entering the toilets I wasn't blown away by their cleanliness, but I also wasn't knocked on my arse by any foul smells.

In front of me were 3 doors and my little heart skipped a beat.

3 cubicles = 3 chances for a good toilet!

Door number 1 on the far right: I confidently push it open. I see toilet paper, a locking door but...Bollocks!...No toilet seat.

Door number 2 on the far left (I know what you're thinking, what's wrong with the middle cubicle, well I don't like them. Maybe I'll write about it in another post. It's an OCD thing): I push the door open and YES! There's a toilet seat, there's even bog roll, I'm already turtle heading at this point so I start undoing my belt whilst shutting the door and FOR GODS SAKE! No lock on the freakin' door.

This is fast turning into my very own Goldilocks adventure.

One more shot, the middle cubicle. Not ideal but any port in a storm and all that.

I go through door 3 and SHIT! Seriously, King Kongs thumb is looking up at me from the murky depths of thunder box three.

I do a quick check whilst swallowing back my dinner...lock - check, toilet paper - check, toilet seat - check. Right, flush that bugger!

Alas! This thing is not only wider than a baby's arm but it's apparently made of cork!!! The bastard won't flush.

It's the perfect fucking storm.

Either:

I squat and do a hover-shit behind door 1 - (I hate doing that. I missed the bowl last time I tried it landing the log on the rim and the time before that I fell over backwards into the bowl)

Or

I sit with a foot holding door 2 shut (again, bad times. The door was just too far from the bowl for it to be a secure venture)

Or

I curl out a cleveland on another mans personal homage to the titanic behind door 3. (I'm only going to say 4 words: Poo Water Splashback Ew!)

Time is running out fast and as I'm already in there it's option 3 for me. I fill the bowl with khazi paper to hide what lies beneath and hopefully prevent a butt splash from landing a side ways torpedo.

I've done all I can. Its time to down trowel.

The sensation is uncomfortable. I feel like I'm in an B movie and I'm about to be pulled into the bowl from beneath me. (I actually saw that in a terrible movie that was set on a cruise ship, if you know the movie I'm on about and what it's called let me know).

After finishing up and wiping my arse I'm suddenly acutely aware that there's a LOT of toilet roll in that bowl along with the monstrosity and my offering. I honestly don't know how this is going to end.

I get myself sorted and then flush.

RUN!!!!

Leaving the cubicle and running to the sink I must admit that I didn't take in if they have hot running water, soap or working hand dryer. All I know is that I washed my hands and left with wet hands lest I stay an witness the creation of a Golgotha from the movie Dogma.

Overall I'm going to have to say I can only give the Ham & Blackbird a 6 out of 10. It would have been a 5 but I felt sorry for the carnage I possibly might have caused.