The Routine

Like all rock stars, I get asked a lot of questions by fans at gigs. But since starting this blog the questions have turned from the likes of "Wow, where do you get your inspiration from?" to more along the lines of "What's the best / worst toilet you've ever visited?"

One question I get asked a lot is what my "routine" is when enjoying a pre-show-look-out-below.

I had been struggling with a few aspects of my routine but thanks to a recent episode of Mythbusters I can FINALLY nail down the perfect potty protocol for all you OCD types (like me) looking for the most hygienic excrement experience.

So here we go:

1. Choose Door Number One. Recently on a new episode of Mythbusters (Mondays at 2100 hours on Discovery UK) Adam

and Jamie proved that people tend to shy away from using the very first cubicle. Perhaps they think its the one that is used the most or they prefer a bit more privacy when they poop, but at any rate, the first cubicle you come to when you enter the toilets will tend to be the less used and therefore the cleanest.

2. Lock n' Load.

On entering cubicle one, take one sheet of toilet paper and use it to close and lock the door. Then put it down the toilet (this doubles up as a "splash back preventer")

3. Treat The Seat.

If you're in a toilet worthy of a "Khazi Corner 10-out-of-10 Rating" then you'll either have the option of a disposable seat cover or some sort of disinfectant with which to clean the seat. If they have them, use them.

If not, I always keep some alcohol gel in my pocket so use this and some more toilet paper to give the seat a once over before you take to the throne.

4. No Phones On The Throne!

While you are sat there wondering why you went for that really hot curry last night, don't be tempted to reach for your phone. The throne room is not the time for a quick round of Angry Birds.

It is said that your phone is one of the dirtiest items you use on a daily basis. It's up there with computer keyboards, money and light switches.

Thanks once again to Adam and Jamie for Episode 135 of Mythbusters "Hidden Nasties" where they confirmed this one. Whilst cell phones didn't make the final top five they certainly ranked up there in the top ten. So don't make them any dirtier by playing on them in the crapper. (Plus the music to angry birds can really put a man off his flow - be considerate to your fellow grunters).

5. Double-Tap.

When you are done pushing you should at least double layer for the wipe. There's nothing worse than cheap thin toilet paper, and when used in single layered sheets there is a real and ever-present danger of accidentally putting your finger through the paper. 

Double up man, in the name of science!

6. The Flush.

The best toilets have those cool contactless flushes where you simply wave in front of a sensor and bingo. I love them. But if your Khazi is low tech then you're going to have to use your hands to activate the flush (Urgh!).

Again, toilet paper is your friend (one sheet will do, think of the environmental impact). Flush and throw it straight into the flushing toilet to dispose.

But then...

7. The Cubicle Exit.

You'd best have another sheet of toilet paper in your hand ready to unlock and open the cubicle door.

If your quick you can toss it down the toilet while its still flushing. Failing that you can exit the cubicle and throw it in the bin by the sinks if such a facility is provided. It's up to you to be observant and plan ahead. 

(The conscientious environmentalist might want to consider using the same sheet of toilet paper for the flush and the lock on the door. See what works for your own moral code.)

8. The Wash.

Automatic taps are your friend. Nothing to touch in order to turn on or off. Beautiful.

If your taps are manually operated then I have a prescribed method for a truly clean clean.

Turn on the taps to deliver warm water (must be warm, not cold). Wash your hands with soap and rinse. Then use soap to wash the water regulators (handles?) of the taps (where you turn the water on and off from). Rinse the taps. Finally wash your hands again in soap and warm water and then turn the tap off.

Your hands are now clean!

9. The Dry.

Thanks once again to Adam and Jamie for their invaluable insight into the whole "dryer vs paper towel" argument. I can now safely say that I avoid hand dryers like the plague. Paper towels are the cleanest option. Use them to dry your hands and then take one spare for:

10. The Exit.

If I was Supreme Ruler and President of the World I would make it law that all public toilets either:

Have doors that open outwards from the inside thus meaning can just push to exit, that way you don't have to touch any handles to pull them open when exiting.

OR

Have a some sort of curved wall or u-bend entry system so that doors are not needed to maintain privacy.

As this is not the case in a LOT of public toilets, you're gonna need that last paper towel to open the door to leave. Either that or wait for someone to open the door and sneak through before the door swings shut.

And there you have it folks. A rare insight into the inner working of my OCD. This is how I live my life.

Thanks to Adam, Jamie, Tory, Grant and, of course, the lovely Kari for their continued efforts on one of the best shows on earth. Your experiments have proved invaluable to me.

Team Mythbusters, if you're reading this, come to England some time and I'll buy you all a beer (in a bar with really nice toilets I promise!).

Until the next edition,

Jonny Out